Dear Birthday Persons,2015 Birthday Greetings Protocol
A mass “Happy Birthday” on Facebook is a generic gesture and in many cases it is one of many generic greetings. This form of birthday greeting does not require a direct acknowledgement. An unnecessary but nice response is to simply “Like” the greeting. Again not required.
A direct text message or messenger greeting is more personal. This greeting is reserved for close friends who do not need the Facebook world to see you said, happy birthday, but more importantly the person themselves. The proper response to a direct happy birthday is a reply of, Thank you. Failure to do so is an insult. It is like saying, I do not care that you care enough to send me a personal greeting.
To those of you who do not adhere to these common social protocols, may your birthdays suck!
To: Lady who doesn’t pick up after her dog
Dear Lady who doesn't pick up after her dog,Your karma stinks because you are a nasty ass ho… I will be the first to admit that I hate picking up my dogs big nasty sh!ts. There is nothing worse than the feeling of the gross hot poop through a plastic bag and even worse is having to carry the bag around until you find a trash can, but I do, and so do all the other dog owners.
If I can bend over and pick up my dog’s dumps, so can you. Don’t think we don’t see you do that pretend to bend down and pick it up move, we know you don’t have a bag… or the look away move where you act like you did not see him poop! You’re not fooling anybody!
Might I say, put your dog’s poop in a bag you nasty old hag…
Beware, the neighborhood poop watch has their eye on you.
To: Jon Stewart
karmadminKarmic Event: 11464 / Brooklyn, NY 
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To: Nolan
karmadminKarmic Event: 9203 / San Diego, CA Leave a Comment
To: Selfish People
Dear Selfish People,Your karma stinks because you only care about yourself and how you feel. You won’t tell the truth to save the world, I would say to save your souls but you can’t save what you don’t have. All you liars, thieves, cheaters, and users will have nothing but wrinkles and memories of being young and strong. But maybe all of you can start a Golden Birch Retirement Home.
To: Brenda
karmadminKarmic Event: 8630 / Steger, IL 2 Comments
Dear Brenda,Your karma stinks because you have chose to walk away from The Lord as well as your marriage. It’s our christian duty to live for The Lord and we as Christians need just one reason to stay with our lover: the analogy of Christ and his church. If you don’t believe in heaven, divorce can make a lot of sense. Marriage can never remove the trials, but even difficult marriages to difficult men can give women the strength to become the people god created them to be. Make things right with your marriage, don’t give up make things right.
Wasn’t Me
karmadminKarmic Event: 8442 / Brookhaven, MS Leave a Comment
January Newcomers
Dear January Newcomers,Your karma stinks because you know you will never stick to your New Year’s resolutions and here you are at the gym during prime time, hogging all the equipment even though you don’t know how to use it. Checking your phone while standing on the elliptical is not aerobic. You are so quick to claim a front row spinning bike but leave the class after only 15 minutes. I know in another week or so things will get back to normal but I really hate this annual inconvenience.
To: Splash Hole
Dear Splash Hole,Your karma stinks because you see me running on the side of the road in the rain and you speed up to maximize the splash of the puddle on me while I’m trying to have a peaceful run. You are an evil splash hole. When you passed me and smiled as I stopped in shock that you would so deliberately swerve and speed up makes me think you must have been the fat kid to get picked last in gym class and now are punishing anyone who reminds you of your sad past. Get over it.
Many thanks,
The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger
To: Candy Crushers
Dear Candy Crushers,Your karma stinks because I hate getting facebook notifications inviting me to play candy crush! Who the f#%^ plays candy crush anymore. Please, do something, anything but stop playing candy crush and sending me invites. I have an idea, read a book. Maybe go for a walk. Do something besides sitting on the couch and swiping colored candy on the screen. Trust me, your iPhone will thank you, I’m sure it could use a break from your chunky fingers smashing fake treats.
Many thanks,
The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger
To: Dr. R.
karmadminKarmic Event: 8133 / Boston, MA 1 Comment
Dear Dr. R.,Your karma stinks because you shame me about not flossing every single visit.
Karmail ResponseMicrowave Food Bomber
Dear Microwave food bomber,Your karma stinks because you microwave the living daylights out of your food, so much that it expodes all over the inside of the microwave… CLEAN IT UP. I spent 20 minutes cleaning the inside of the mircowave of unidentifiable junk, I wanted to throw up. I even called CSI, the splatter experts have profiled you as a sick loser with lack of consideration for others… So beware, we have your profile and will be tracking you down. And just like Dexter, we will deal with your serial microwave killing ways!
The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger
To: Instagram Quote Girl
Dear Instagram Quote Girl,Your karma stinks because I can’t read another empowering, letting go, healing, quote picture in my feed! Let’s review the cycle of madness, first we have the crazy girls night out pic! The look at us, we don’t need boys to have fun we are crazy and independent ladies. Then we have the I am in love pics… the love is so wonderful he is the one. And finally, the never ending cycle that repulses me! The he was a douche bag and I am hurt but healing pics. The quote pics that never end! 4-5 picture quotes a day with drama and pity party screaming out I want attention for being that dumb girl who picked the wrong guys AGAIN! Just a small suggestion, stop selecting men based on deep criteria like, he was tall or he drank the same shots as me… or the fact that he was “swole” with tattoos. You have been put on notice, I am unfollowing you and all your insta-quote-girls…
Many thanks,
The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger