To: Birthday Persons

karmadminKarmic Event: 12187 / Wilton, CT Leave a Comment

Dear Birthday Persons,2015 Birthday Greetings Protocol

A mass “Happy Birthday” on Facebook is a generic gesture and in many cases it is one of many generic greetings. This form of birthday greeting does not require a direct acknowledgement. An unnecessary but nice response is to simply “Like” the greeting. Again not required.

A direct text message or messenger greeting is more personal. This greeting is reserved for close friends who do not need the Facebook world to see you said, happy birthday, but more importantly the person themselves. The proper response to a direct happy birthday is a reply of, Thank you. Failure to do so is an insult. It is like saying, I do not care that you care enough to send me a personal greeting.

To those of you who do not adhere to these common social protocols, may your birthdays suck!

To: Lady who doesn’t pick up after her dog

karmadminKarmic Event: 11825 / Ronkonkoma, NY Leave a Comment

Dear Lady who doesn't pick up after her dog,Your karma stinks because you are a nasty ass ho… I will be the first to admit that I hate picking up my dogs big nasty sh!ts. There is nothing worse than the feeling of the gross hot poop through a plastic bag and even worse is having to carry the bag around until you find a trash can, but I do, and so do all the other dog owners.

If I can bend over and pick up my dog’s dumps, so can you. Don’t think we don’t see you do that pretend to bend down and pick it up move, we know you don’t have a bag… or the look away move where you act like you did not see him poop!  You’re not fooling anybody!

Might I say, put your dog’s poop in a bag you nasty old hag…

Beware, the neighborhood poop watch has their eye on you.

To: Man in Carpark

karmadminKarmic Event: 11674 / Winchester, UK Leave a Comment

Dear Man in Carpark,Your karma stinks because you watched me reverse into a space and then interrupted my concentration by coming to the window to tell me I needed to ‘keep the left hand down’. Someone needs to tell you that you don’t need a penis to park.

To: Jon Stewart

karmadminKarmic Event: 11464 / Brooklyn, NY    Leave a Comment

Dear Jon Stewart,Your karma stinks because despite being blessed with super human comic abilities, you have chosen to stop entertaining us and squander your powers on rescue animals in New Jersey.

To: Scar

karmadminKarmic Event: 11388 / Wilton, CT 1 Comment

Dear Scar,Your karma stinks because you killed your brother Mufasa and let poor Simba think he did it. You are a shitty brother and uncle.

To: Nolan

karmadminKarmic Event: 9203 / San Diego, CA    Leave a Comment

Dear Nolan,Your karma stinks because you still don’t have a job & live with your mother.

 

To: Selfish People

karmadminKarmic Event: 9200 / Henry, TN Leave a Comment

Dear Selfish People,Your karma stinks because you only care about yourself and how you feel. You won’t tell the truth to save the world, I would say to save your souls but you can’t save what you don’t have. All you liars, thieves, cheaters, and users will have nothing but wrinkles and memories of being young and strong. But maybe all of you can start a Golden Birch Retirement Home.

To: Brenda

karmadminKarmic Event: 8630 / Steger, IL    2 Comments

Dear Brenda,Your karma stinks because you have chose to walk away from The Lord as well as your marriage. It’s our christian duty to live for The Lord and we as Christians need just one reason to stay with our lover: the analogy of Christ and his church. If you don’t believe in heaven, divorce can make a lot of sense. Marriage can never remove the trials, but even difficult marriages to difficult men can give women the strength to become the people god created them to be. Make things right with your marriage, don’t give up make things right.

To: Kanye

karmadminKarmic Event: 8462 / New York, NY 1 Comment

Dear Kanye,Your karma stinks because you are a bully and a sore loser. Who made you an expert on artistry? Especially with lyrics like “Don’t try to treat me like I ain’t famous my apologies, are you into astrology cause I’m tryin to make it to Uranus”.

Wasn’t Me

karmadminKarmic Event: 8442 / Brookhaven, MS    Leave a Comment

Dear Chelleigh,Your karma stinks because you farted one time and said “It wasn’t me”.

January Newcomers

karmadminKarmic Event: 8421 / Staten Island, NY 2 Comments

Dear January Newcomers,Your karma stinks because you know you will never stick to your New Year’s resolutions and here you are at the gym during prime time, hogging all the equipment even though you don’t know how to use it. Checking your phone while standing on the elliptical is not aerobic. You are so quick to claim a front row spinning bike but leave the class after only 15 minutes. I know in another week or so things will get back to normal but I really hate this annual inconvenience.

To: Julie

karmadminKarmic Event: 8276 / MILAN, TN    18 Comments

Dear Julie,Your karma stinks because u just keep hanging on. Kevin doesn’t love u, he has told me so many times, he only married u because we were fighting and to shut u up, Kevin don’t care. he don’t buy u gifts, he told me he has to think about me just to have sex with u, Kevin and me went to see AC/DC in Tacoma, he helped me buy a car, we used to spend weekends in Memphis and go to Tunica. He doesn’t even want to go to a bar with u, u embarress him, he stayed with me more than he did u and he helped furnish my house and pay bills, he also bought my kids nice gifts. He bought me diamond earrings, and we used to party a lot and he would take me to bars because I am younger, we rented motel rooms and I met him at Lambert’s for dinner, we went to Nashville and partied there, we went on a cruise, vactioned and had secret cell phones, but instead of leaving when u found out, u stayed with him.

Don’t worry he cheated on me too, but I aint stupid. I went out until he couldn’t stand it and came back. I hope u read this because u need to wake the hell up and realize Kevin is going to cheat and get what he wants, and I am just like him., we make a great pair, he ain’t done nuthin for u compared to what he has done for me and trying to keep me. but if I call he will come running. Just wanted you to know your ring don’t mean nuthin and give u a heads up so u can be ready. Kevin has been cheating with me for at least 6 years and it isn’t slowing down, sorry but it is what it is lmfao if u only knew he has another phone and email addresses lol but I ain’t telling.

To: Self-Righteous Voter

karmadminKarmic Event: 8205 / NEW MILFORD, CT Leave a Comment

Dear Self-Righteous Voter,Your karma stinks because you vote and then spend the whole day telling everybody you voted. What do you want — a cookie?

 

To: Splash Hole

karmadminKarmic Event: 8187 / FARMINGTON, CT Leave a Comment

Dear Splash Hole,Your karma stinks because you see me running on the side of the road in the rain and you speed up to maximize the splash of the puddle on me while I’m trying to have a peaceful run. You are an evil splash hole. When you passed me and smiled as I stopped in shock that you would so deliberately swerve and speed up makes me think you must have been the fat kid to get picked last in gym class and now are punishing anyone who reminds you of your sad past. Get over it.

Many thanks,

The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger

To: Woman on Metro-North 523

karmadminKarmic Event: 8164 / New York, NY Leave a Comment

Dear Woman on Metro-North 523,Your karma stinks because of the amount of food you consume on the train. I am amazed you can balance that giant buffet on your lap every night. It’s an hour ride – I’ve tried changing cars but you always seem to plop down right next to me night after night.

To: Candy Crushers

karmadminKarmic Event: 8145 / MILFORD, CT Leave a Comment

Dear Candy Crushers,Your karma stinks because I hate getting facebook notifications inviting me to play candy crush! Who the f#%^ plays candy crush anymore. Please, do something, anything but stop playing candy crush and sending me invites. I have an idea, read a book. Maybe go for a walk. Do something besides sitting on the couch and swiping colored candy on the screen. Trust me, your iPhone will thank you, I’m sure it could use a break from your chunky fingers smashing fake treats.

Many thanks,

The Karmic Avenger
#thekarmicavenger

To: Jerry

karmadminKarmic Event: 8081 / RICHMOND, VA Leave a Comment

Dear Jerry,Your karma stinks because of your constant ‘LIKE if you hate cancer’ posts. No one’s on the fence. Please stop.

 

To: Dave

karmadminKarmic Event: 8071 / New York, NY Leave a Comment

Dear Dave,Your karma stinks because every time you go to the UK for business, you come back with a fake accent that lasts for 3 weeks and you forget how to curse. All I hear is “Piss off!” and “Bloody hell!”.

Microwave Food Bomber

karmadminKarmic Event: 7986 / NEW HAVEN, CT Leave a Comment

Dear Microwave food bomber,Your karma stinks because you microwave the living daylights out of your food, so much that it expodes all over the inside of the microwave… CLEAN IT UP. I spent 20 minutes cleaning the inside of the mircowave of unidentifiable junk, I wanted to throw up. I even called CSI, the splatter experts have profiled you as a sick loser with lack of consideration for others… So beware, we have your profile and will be tracking you down. And just like Dexter, we will deal with your serial microwave killing ways!

The Karmic Avenger

#thekarmicavenger